First, let me include a teaser to get you to find your way back to this blog in a couple of days. This entry will be a random spewing of news events from the year. However, wouldn't it be more enjoyable to have a hodgepodge of slightly exaggerated recounts of my year? Yes, yes it would. And so I will appease you in a few days. But for today, here's my addition to the myriad "year in review" lists online:
January
The Democrats surprised the country by storming the political houses and taking over with minimal bloodshed. Okay, they didn't actually surprise anybody, but Nancy Pelosi ascended to her throne and pledge, "a new era of bipartisan cooperation." I don't know about you, but I'm still waiting to see that. Maybe her era will usher in after there's a Democratic president.
The U.S. began requiring passports for travelers flying in from Mexico and Canada. Guess that place up north isn't America, Jr. after all. This prompted a thorough search of my bedroom for my passport only to find an old newspaper listing my name as the high scorer in the East-Highland basketball game my junior year. Go me.
The MLS tried to get some hype for soccer in the U.S. by signing the British superstar, David Beckham. Becks enjoyed his walk to the bank with his $250 million contract only to cash it in for a down payment on a trailer in L.A. area. With the real estate slump continuing, his purchase was the only home purchase for the month in the great state of Hollywood and the two real estate agents involved in the deal made enough to feed their families for a week, eating at posh restaurants of course.
February
South Florida hosts the Superbowl... followed by some Roman Numeral. Traffic and parking were horrendous as local residents caused moving roadblocks by driving all around the stadium with their blinkers on and there were an excess of fans fighting over the limited handicap spots. It was considered a success when nobody died from a flying lawnmower.
In politics, senators and representatives spend the entirety of their month attempting to bind President Bush into a timeline to withdraw from Iraq. In the end, Bush is left running free through oil fields in Alaska while the house and senate wonder why they can't pass a law with that says anything in a straight-forward manner.
The country receives shocking news that America's Sweetheart, Anna Nicole Smith has tragically died. Trimspa was not found at the scene. The only adult males not vying for custody of her child are Brad Pitt (because Angelina could whoop his ass if he tried) and Richard Simmons (not sure why not).
Lisa Nowark, jealous of the amount of press time Anna Nicole was getting, makes a desperate attempt to woo the media with a stunt wearing a diaper. NASA quickly drops all programs that included diaper benefits for its employees and the male astronaut involved is left to live in the space station for the remainder of his days. Orbit is much safer than being between a jealous woman and her diaper.
JetBlue experienced customer backlash when airplanes are stranded on runways. Thankfully, prepared Mormons happened to be on each flight and had their 72-hour kits with them as carry on. They secured their celestial glory by saving all aboard sharing their polyunsaturated fats after the peanuts ran out.
March
Scooter Libby plasters his name on newspapers across the country, but I forget the details. I think March is the month I took a break from politics hoping that when I came back in April, Pelosi's era of bipartisan cooperation would have ushered in. What a fool was I.
I also took a month off from watching TV, opening a web page on any computer whose home page was set to MSN.com, or opening too many newspapers. I think I hibernated this month and when I woke up, it was...
April
Don Imus secures himself a brief mention in cultural history books with his disgusting radio personality. The Rutgers women's basketball team points out that he has been making racist comments for years and he finally crossed the line; nobody talks about a woman basketball player and her bad hair days. By the end of the media coverage, Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have drawn more attention to themselves, Imus probably secured some secret book contract about his difficult firing, and the women's basketball team didn't even get new uniforms.
Alberto Gonzales moves his name to the top of the list, making Scooter feel jealous, but not jealous enough to fight back.
Rosie O'Donnell decides to leave her riveting career on The View because her doctor said it was damaging her vocal chords. Her wife thanks the doctor for saving her sexy voice, which instead appears in absurd statements on the Internet and will live in split-screen infamy on You Tube.
Everyone's favorite new hairstyle, Sanjaya, makes his run for the top on American Idol. He is finally stopped short when Simon jumps onto the table and yells at America for so bloody tone deaf it hurts his heart. Thank you, Simon.
May
Democrats continue to blame President Bush for the war while voters wonder why nothing's changed.
Other stuff probably happened in this month, too.
June
Paris Hilton finally gets her comeuppance and is ordered to go to jail. Somehow, the room service she asked for gets in and delivers her more towels and free samples of shampoo and conditioner. She makes another video, which was never mentioned in any mainstream media, including this blog.
Cuban television broadcasts an interview of Fidel Castro to prove he's still alive and our FBI spends an entire quarter analyzing the video to determine that, yes, that might actually be him.
Apple releases its coveted iPhone through the not-so-coveted AT&T service. The best quote about the release comes from Dave Barry as he describes the features of the fabulous new device: "which, in addition to enabling you to make phone calls, has all kinds of brilliant and innovative features, including AutoFondle, an application that enables the iPhone to fondle itself during those times when you are unable to fondle it manually because you're sleeping or undergoing surgery from wounds you sustained when friends or co-workers finally lost it and beat you senseless to make you shut up about your freaking iPhone already."
July
Bush turns the keys of the Oval Office over to Cheney for a few hours to go and get a colonoscopy. Cheney manages not to shoot anybody, especially any Iranians, during his short stay behind the puzzle desk (that was a clever reference to a not-so-clever movie, National Treasure II).
Rowling releases the final Harry Potter book in which he spends much of his time camping. Many teachers realize that after this, their students will have no reason to go on reading, and some, living. Rowling crushes those students' precious little hearts by informing them that Dumbledore was gay. For some, though, it raises hopes. If a headmaster can be gay, so can a head cheerleader.
August
Mattel begins selling buckets of lead paint with the label, "Suitable for children ages 3+." China has a good laugh.
Senator Larry Craig finally puts Minneapolis on the map, at least their airport bathrooms.
In weather news, the nation experiences a heat wave and Al Gore says, "I told you so." Temperatures reach highs similar to last August, and the August before, and the August before...
In sports, Michael Vick, in an attempt to befriend O.J. Simpson, pleads guilty to dogfighting. Instead of welcoming him with open arms, O.J. decides he needs to act fast to steal back the shamed-athlete spotlight.
September
"Don't tase me, bro," goes down in political infamy. The YouTube hit may very well be the only memorable phrase from the 2008 presidential elections since Howard Dean is not involved. John Kerry fails to use it for political clout and squeeze into a crowded race for the democratic nomination. Instead, his only response: "pepper spray works better."
O.J. Simpson steals back his spotlight when he swipes sports memorabilia in Vegas. Somehow, the law enforcement doesn't realize it's him, even though he made his getaway in a white bronco, and actually attempt to try him of robbery, kidnapping, and driving really slowly on the freeway in his bronco.
October
California gets swept up in wildfires and the Governator flies around in a helicopter with a concerned look on his face.
Sam Brownback announces that he would drop out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Opponents wonder what lead him to believe he was actually in the race.
Al Gore is named co-winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for buying lots of carbon credits. He says thank you to all those who believed him when he said he invented the Internet. "And thank you for not making me sell me absurdly huge, carbon-eating home."
Oh, and this is actually the month when Rowling shocked the Republicans (who quickly banned all of her books) by informing them that the beloved Dumbledore was Hogwart's first gay headmaster. She forgot to mention it in the books, though.
November
CNN hosts political debates with planted questions; nobody is really surprised, except for Ron Paul who demands that he gets recognized as a legitimate candidate. The average Americans (who weren't actually asking questions on CNN), couldn't make it and therefore had to be replaced with planted questioners because they were too busy watching Dancing with the Stars.
The Writers Guild strikes and 24 fans across the world weep. Will they ever see Jack Bauer again?
December
Stuff happened. Many of it political and often between Obama and Clinton, or Romney and non-Mormons. In sports, the Utes and the Cougars both manage bowl victories while the BCS awards the #1 ranking to Appalachian State for its upset of Michigan. Everybody in the WAC and Mountain West cheer and send money to the school's boosters.
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